Cover Image: By author (Rishikesh, India, 2015)
“Do you always fill your baskets like that?” I told this beautiful blond girl next to me.
“Yes, should I not?” she said.
Little did I know that my first ever productivity advice to a girl would lead to where we are today. Almost 15 years ago, these were the exact first words (translated) I told my wife. The rest, as they say, is history.
I was a short and skinny, but tanned surfer-looking boy. I lived in a small farm town on the outskirts of Montreal, working in the strawberry, raspberry and blueberry fields during the summer, and playing video games on my mom’s couch for the rest of the day.
She was a smiley, beautiful blond girl from Gatineau, spending the summer working in the strawberry fields in her mom’s hometown — aka, the same as my hometown. When she wasn’t working, she was helping to take care of her young siblings.
I was an average kid and she was a stellar student.
Fast forward to today and it’s hard to imagine we ever were the people we were back then. We’ve been through so much together and we’ve grown to be so different from who we once were.
My aspiration back then was to own a video game company and make it big. Today, I do have a video game company, but it’s not nearly as big as I imagined it to be. I’ve grown to like helping people more than just through entertainment.
Her aspiration back then was to become a registered nurse. Today, she’s saving lives around the world with Doctors without Borders, amongst many other things.
It turns out, there’s no other quote that resonates with us more than this one:
“You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” — Jim Rohn
She changed me in many positive ways. Back then, I:
hated cities. By being with her, I started to love them;
was the pickiest eater there was. Nowadays, I eat most things;
didn’t care for travelling. Today, I’ve travelled to more than 50 countries;
was a selfish bastard. Nowadays, life is all about others;
didn’t use to read. Now I read on a daily basis.
I changed her in many positive ways. Back then, she:
was apologizing for everything she did. Now she owns her decisions;
gave an F about everything. Now she mostly gives an F about the right things;
was afraid of taking big life-changing decisions. Nowadays, less than 24 hours of convincing is needed;
insecure about her potential. She’s finally realizing it;
did not understand entrepreneurship. Now she’s almost ready to join me on my most ambitious project yet.
We are today who we are because we’ve spent all this time growing together.
During these years together, we’ve lived in 4 cities, travelled to over 50 countries, volunteered in 5 countries, worked over 5 jobs each, bought and sold a property in Montreal, got married on the Grand Canyon, became nomads for 2 years, and have been apart for work or school for a total of about 3 years combined.
We have yet to have kids. I’m 32 years old and she’s 30 years old at the time of writing this. If anything, our relationship was and is anything but traditional. We personally can’t stand the norm.
We have very much become a power couple.
Now that you know who we are and where we come from, I want to share with you some lessons I’ve learned along the way:
1. Trust is the number one factor for a successful long-term relationship
I know you’ve heard this a thousand times. Likely more. Yet no one really has trust in each other. My wife and I have been apart many times during our 15 years together. She could easily find another man. She has a great positive vibe and a contagious smile, and everyone can’t help but be attracted to her.
When people ask me when she’s away: “Aren’t you afraid she’ll leave you or cheat on you?”
My short reply is: “no.”
It’s not naivety. People who truly trust each other have nothing to fear.
How much do you trust your partner?
2. Always be honest
Again you’ve heard this one many times before. Of all the skills that I’ve learned, lying is not one of them. We hide nothing from each other. Skeptical people don’t believe it.
Keeping surprises from each other is hard for us since telling each other everything is a habit.
The best example I can give you was when I was in Colombia and my wife was in Congo. I was asked to do a boudoir photoshoot and really wanted to do it. But I wasn’t sure how my wife would react to me taking photos of another girl in various stages of undress.
Most men told me to do it and never tell my wife. Most women told me not to do it.
What would you have done in my shoes? What advice would you have told me?
I chose to be honest with her and tell her about it. It wasn’t so much asking for permission, but rather tell her how I saw it. She understood. She trusted me. She appreciated the honesty, and we became stronger for it.
I went into greater details of that story here:
How Taking Naked Photos Of Another Woman Actually Strengthened My Marriage
How honest are you with your partner?
3. It’s completely fine if you have different hobbies or interests
Finding common hobbies or interests is a new couple’s thing. When we finish work, she likes to watch Netflix, I like to read or play video games. We’re not a weaker couple for it.
Not all your interests need to be the same. We listen to very different music, love different foods, have different friends, etc. She prefers in-person group interactions, I prefer one-on-one online interactions.
Few things we have in common in terms of interests are travelling, pubs, walks, hikes, and our desire to help others.
What hobbies do you share? What interests are different?
4. Having the same values greatly helps
She and I are not fundamentally different, even though it might seem that way at first. We are both ambitious people driven by our productive activities. Our idea of a great time together is discussing our ambitious projects over a pint at a local pub.
Our values are pretty much 100% the same. It’s hard to fight when you basically think the same.
What values do you agree and disagree with?
5. Fights don’t have to be routine
I’m always confused when people say that couples fighting is normal. In our 15 years together, I may have raised my voice 2–3 times. It’s not that she never gets on my nerves, it’s just that we both know that getting angry is not a way to solve a problem. As such, we talk it out and extremely rarely resort to “fights”.
We know how we both handle confrontation. She wants to fix things NOW. I want space to cool down and think. We’re all different here. We’re both extremes here, yet we make it work.
I personally think that fights are not healthy in a relationship. If you trust each other and are always honest, fights are basically non-existent. Disagreements on things are definitely okay, and when resolved properly, can certainly make a couple stronger.
A couple who don’t have disagreements are likely holding back on their honesty.
How often are you fighting with your partner?
6. Marriage is the union of two people
We tried planning our wedding for almost 4 years. Given a divorce on both sides of our families and the geographical distance between them, combined with a lack of funds, it wasn’t a simple endeavour. It isn’t for any one couple, really.
When we knew we were going to Las Vegas, we said, screw it, we’ll get married then. We googled it and found a package where we would leave Las Vegas by helicopter and do the ceremony on the Grand Canyon. We booked it two months before the wedding. We got our rings a few days before and our tux and gown a day before.
We weren’t less happy by not having 200 people at our wedding. It’s okay to do it differently. We would have liked to have people around us, but ultimately that day was for us, not for others. We did a BBQ at her dad’s shortly after the wedding.
Who was (or will be) your wedding about?
7. We all need independence
Spending 24 hours with another person every day in routine is not healthy. When we travelled around the world for a year, that wasn’t a problem since we were living incredible things together. But in the routine, it’s just not the same. It’s completely fine if you do things with other friends without your partner.
She’s more sociable than me and likes to hang out with friends and family on a regular basis. We’re completely fine not doing that together. That gives me time to catch up on my own hobbies like playing video games or doing more productive activities.
What do you do separately? How frequently do you do things separately?
8. You are in a team with your partner
We bounce ideas off of each other. We handle finances together (to some degree). We do chores together. We make big life decisions together. Personally, I love having my ideas challenged and a good partner will do that for you if you’re receptive to criticism.
We are strong separately but we are stronger together. I would have missed so many things in our year-long travels if she wasn’t with me. She would have been completely lost navigating cities without me. I’d be an emotionless jerk if it wasn’t for her. I handle most situations in a logical way and she helps me realize my emotions.
How good is your team dynamic in your couple?
9. Sex isn’t everything
We both enjoy sex, but that doesn’t mean we have to do it every day. I’m actually quite amazed at people who are able to do it incredibly frequently. We’re freaking brain dead after our work day and have to clear our minds otherwise the only thoughts we have in our minds are about work. Doesn’t make for the best sex, does it?
For me, even after all these years, remains about passion. Quality over quantity. To young couples, this may sound outrageous, but you’ll get it when you get there! :)
How frequently do you have sex? How good is it?
10. There’s no substitute for good communication
Without good communication, even with the above lessons, our relationship probably would not have worked. It’s when we’re afraid to speak up that we feel ourselves drifting apart.
Our latest 6 months apart with barely any communication was damn hard. It’s incredible how much we evolve in only 6 months. Without frequent quality communication, it’s no surprise that couples fall apart. Remember, you’re a team, and teams communicate. They tell each other the truth, even when it hurts.
My wife swears by this book: Crucial Conversations. We recommend it to everyone.
If you can’t communicate properly, it’s okay to seek therapy as well. It’s not a sign of weakness. It’s a sign that you care for each other and are willing to do everything you can to thrive together.
How healthy is your communication in your couple?
Lessons Learned Summary
Trust is the number one factor for a successful long-term relationship
Always be honest
It’s completely fine if you have different hobbies or interests
Having the same values greatly helps
Fights don’t have to be routine
Marriage is the union of two people
We all need independence
You are in a team with your partner
Sex isn’t everything
There’s no substitute for good communication
Little did I know on that fateful day 15 years ago that today I’d still be with the same girl. I was just a kid. The moments we spent together have been nothing short of magical.
Now it’s your turn to live these magical moments. Learn the lessons, but most importantly, apply them. If what you’re looking for is a healthy long-term relationship, you can’t go wrong with the above.
You can do this!